i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
