listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
