I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
