Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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