you told grandpa to call you daddy
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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