I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
