I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
