I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Vodka?
Forever.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
40s are totally the cure
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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