I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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