ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Too much gin, very little bucket
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
