Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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