did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
