Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
