Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
