is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
