saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
