I faked an abortion last night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
