I just pynch a tree in the face
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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