Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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