Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
