just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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