Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
