god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a hot homeless man
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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