I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
