Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
