At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
