When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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