She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
