i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
