So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
