So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
