Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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