When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
