im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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