why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
