Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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