Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
