And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
