am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
