rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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