i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
