Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
