i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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