how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
