ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i've created a new STD.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
