I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
