Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
