I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
