I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
