dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
