so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
